This brief survey will take only 2.15 minutes of your time to complete in order that we may better serve you.

It is no use saying that 2.15 minutes, added to the sum of minutes you have already taken filling out all of the other surveys in which you have recently participated, comes out to approximately half your life. Nonsense!

How do we know that it will take you 2.15 minutes? Never you mind.

Why is everybody suddenly asking you to complete surveys every time you turn around? Don’t ask us. We don’t know, and we don’t care. We are not the boss of “everybody else.” We are only the boss of ourself. Why are we asking you to take the following survey? We already told you. In order that we may better serve you.

Ready?

Please supply the following information: Name: That was an invalid entry. Try again.

Name: Invalid. We already have that name in our system.

Email: Repeat email: Nope! emails do not match. Try again.

Email: Invalid. We already have that email address in our system.

Phone number: (Someone will be calling you at some point with a secret password which will be valid for only 2.15 minutes.)

Password: Password weak. Use the numerals 2, 5 and 2005, upper and lowercase letters and the characters *^%$$ Password must be between 5-8 characters. Try again.

Rate the following from 1 to 10, with 1 as least satisfied and 10 as most satisfied.

1. Rate your reaction to Ted Cruz’s announcement that he will run for president of the United States.

2. I’ll bet you would have capitalized “president,” above. Well, just so you know, that is incorrect. And why does your cellphone automatically add an apostrophe before the s of plural nouns when you text? You do not have five dog’s. This is making you look foolish.

3. Why must public television constantly be holding their absurd fundraisers? No sooner does one end than another one begins, and they just go on and on and on, blah blah blah, I would much rather watch commercials, why can’t they do something like the Geico ads, those are enjoyable.

4. Hey, coffee is OK right now according to the food police, it’s even good for you, so enjoy it while you can before it’s bad for you again. Why can men have two glasses of red wine, while women can have only one? And lots of us women are plenty big enough, so don’t tell me it’s about size. You could use bigger glasses, but then they tell you, one glass is measured at between 3 and 5 ounces. Soy is out for women, whole milk is better than skim, and I am waiting for kale for be denounced, but right now, what can we tell you, Kale is supposed to be good for you. One bright spot- I think-I am not 100 percent sure, so let me get back to you on this-you’re allowed to cook kale with bacon. You knew that eggs are OK now, right?

Ethnic or cultural identity (choose one or more):

1. South Sea Islander 2. Orkney Islander 3. Mackinaw Islander 4. Marijuana entrepreneur (Why are we asking you this question?)*

5. White guy of indeterminate age

6. Same as 5, only lady instead of guy

7. Irish plus _____

8. Other

9. I consider one or more of these terms offensive.

Speaking of indeterminate age, how come, in those erectile dysfunction ads, the guy is always at least 30 years older than his girlfriend? (Why are we asking you this question?)*

Personal: List the childhood nickname kids called you behind your back, your kindergarten teacher’s middle name, first pet’s veterinarian, favorite television personality when you were in 4th grade.

Auntie Dee is not a valid response. Nobody but you remembers Auntie Dee.

That goes for Rootie Kazootie, too.

What did you want to tell us about Martha Sez?

Please choose from the following:

1. It’s great!

2. Freakin hilarious

3. Thanks for hours of reading fun

4. All of the above

5. Thank you for taking my call.

Almost done! Simply type what you see below: X47($$$!vGT Nope! Try again.

LSMFT Invalid. Remember, this cryptogram is case sensitive. Try again: 05SoOl0o\OS015i/0\ l I We’re sorry! You have timed out. Please go back to the beginning and start over.

*In order that we may better serve you.

XXOO

Have a good week.