Last week: 382 lbs.

Start (Dec. 17): 470 lbs.

Total lost: 86 lbs.

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Over the past 10 months, I’ve shared stories about how I’ve challenged myself to lose weight, almost 90 pounds at this point. While there are some important lessons to be learned from my successes, I feel there are many more to be gleaned from my self-destructive behavior over the past 30 years.

Topping off at 493 pounds in 2011 — an increase of 273 pounds in 24 years — I’ve become quite successful at gaining weight. I’m really good at it. And despite all the pain and embarrassment I’ve endured since my freshman year of college in 1987, I’m willing to share my expertise with the hope that you will do the opposite.

Each day, I fight with myself to live a healthier and longer life, with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. The angel wins on some days, and the devil wins on others.

This is the devil’s story. It’s not one I’ve experienced within the past week or two, but it’s one I’ve experienced for decades. Perhaps it will sound familiar.

So grab your favorite food and curl up on the couch. I’ll show you how to add the pounds and keep them on. I’ll show you how to lose control, live fat forever and survive morbid obesity with a smile.

Welcome to the binge.

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Binge at night

The ultimate eating adventure is an all-you-can-eat buffet, but no self-respecting heavy eater will gorge himself in public. The truly sick ones do it at home, away from prying eyes, cold stares and snickers from little kids.

We’re the ones who order a jumbo pizza for two and leave only one slice for the wife. We order enough food at the McDonald’s drive-thru for a family of four and eat it all. We buy more food than our stomachs can handle and keep eating until we are sick, and then we eat some more. But we only have the freedom to do this at home, at night, when we’re the hungriest. This is the best time and place for a no-holds-barred binge.

Do it right. Start your day by skipping breakfast.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard people say, “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.” For years, I got up from bed, showered and dressed, and went off to work by 6 or 7 a.m. without anything to eat, and I turned out fine. Then, when it came time for lunch, I worked straight through the lunch hour and into the late afternoon until it was time to go home. That’s when my most important meal of the day started.

As the day progresses — without any food and with the added stress of work and the pounding of a hunger headache — the urge to splurge gets progressively stronger. You can’t achieve hunger like that by eating breakfast and lunch. You need a powerful hunger if you’re going to binge. With an empty, gurgling stomach and a ravenous look in your bloodshot eyes, you are ready to eat.

Once you leave work, it’s your time to eat and drink whatever you want. This isn’t so easy if you have a family at home that wishes to eat healthy. It’s much easier to binge when you are a single, but don’t lose hope. It can be done.

Luckily, my wife likes “fend-for-yourself” nights once in a while. During “fend-for-yourself” nights, each of us gets to eat whatever we want, without guilt or shame. If my wife chooses to eat healthy, that’s her choice. That’s what fend-for-yourself night is all about. And to be clear, I’m the one who binges, not my wife; she has more control of her hunger emotions and eats less food.

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Fend-for-yourself night

My wife and I don’t always plan for a fend-for-yourself night. The conversation, usually on the phone from one workplace to the other, goes something like this.

“It’s been a long day,” I say to my wife from the comfort of my desk in the newsroom. I’m in the middle of laying out pages for deadline. I haven’t eaten anything all day. I’m tired, rubbing me eyes. I’m seeing double from looking at a computer screen all day.

“I don’t know what we’re doing for dinner,” she says from the bank, where she spends more than 8 hours a day on her feet.

“I’ve been going straight since I came in, and I’m way behind.”

“I forgot to take the chicken out,” she says. “I don’t know why I’m so tired today. My feet are killing me, but I’ll stop at the store after work, since I’ll be home first, and cook dinner for you.”

It may not be a guilt trip, simply a statement, but it feels like one. She’ll cook for me? Like she won’t be eating. I start to feel bad for her, and I make a suggestion.

“Why don’t we make it a fend-for-yourself night?”

We can go to the store on our own time and have a meal that fits our own mood.

She perks up. “Sounds good to me,” she says.

And that’s how a fend-for-yourself night begins. No planning. Just emotion, stress and hunger. It’s an easy solution.

Fend-for-yourself night is not a “Let’s go to McDonald’s” or a “Let’s order pizza” night. That’s different. Fend-for-yourself night only works when you go to the supermarket and shop, letting your impulses take over, without the guilt. Oh, there will be shame later, during a private moment at home when you are full, but while you shop, you’re too hungry to feel guilty. Once you’ve given yourself permission to binge, you’re in a food trance and nothing can stop you.

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Shopping for a binge

Diet gurus say, “Don’t go to the supermarket hungry.” They want you to eat a snack or a meal before you go. Why? Because you are apt to buy more junk food if you are hungry. But when you shop for a binge, you want to go to the store hungry.

Go to the supermarket, grab a cart and let your hunger take over. Don’t worry about calories, fat, vitamins or the cost. But make sure to get some of all the major food groups.

Vegetables: Your vegetable lineup should be limited to jalapeno poppers, blooming onions, onion rings, potatoes (in the form of chips, tater tots, hash browns, potato salad, and/or French fries), and cabbage (in the form of egg rolls and/or coleslaw).

Fruit: If you feel compelled to buy fruit, try it in a pie, a danish or in ice cream. Oatmeal raisin cookies are also acceptable.

Meat: Go nuts! Try to avoid seafood, unless you are having fish and chips, lobster, crab, shrimp, oysters or clams. And try to fry as much as possible. Beef is simple, in the form of hamburgers, sloppy joes, meatloaf, burritos, enchiladas, tacos, fajitas, chili, veal parmigiana, steak or barbecued brisket. Chicken should be fried in some form, whether it’s chicken fingers, chicken wings or a bucket of seasoned fried chicken. Pork, in this case, is best barbecued: ribs or pulled pork shoulder. Definitely bacon. Hot and sweet sausage, hot dogs, bratwurst and kielbasa are favorites as well.

Vegetarian options: Don’t go there. It defeats the purpose. Soy should never be considered during a binge.

Grains: Pasta and rice are staples. Try a variety of starchy items to complement your meal, including bread (rolls, French bread, garlic bread, bread sticks, dinner rolls, buns, stuffing, etc.). Try having pasta as part of the main course with lasagna, ravioli, spaghetti, linguini, fettucini, tortellini, stuffed shells, manicotti or goulash. Rice should be either fried or mixed with a liberal helping of real butter. Try starches from a can. I love Spaghettios with meatballs, corned beef hash, ravioli, and chili straight from the can, no need to heat them up.

Dairy: Don’t skip the dairy aisle. There is so much here you can add to your dinner, for dipping, melting, spreading and topping your food. Sour cream and cheese. There many kinds of cheese for a variety of purposes: shredded cheese, cream cheese, blocks of cheese, cans of cheese, jars of cheese, wheels of cheese, grated cheese. Cheese makes everything taste better.

Miscellaneous: Try as many condiments as possible. Food tastes much better with mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup, teriyaki sauce, soy sauce, barbecue sauce, relish and hot sauce. Don’t forget sweet and dill pickles, green and black olives, and sweet and hot peppers. These are tasty alone, mixed with other food or on sandwiches.

Dessert: You have to have dessert: cake, pie, cookies, pastries, chocolate, ice cream, doughnuts, etc. Mix and match if you can. Try the cakes, pies or cinnamon buns a la mode. Create sundaes with your ice cream by getting hot fudge, whipped cream, sprinkles and maraschino cherries. Put candy bars and cookies in your ice cream. Make ice cream sandwiches with your cookies.

Alcohol: Are you in the mood to drink? Grab a six-pack or a 12-pack of beer or stop by the liquor store for some wine or liquor. Rum and Coke goes over well in our home since that’s my wife’s favorite drink. If I get beer, I’ll have between four and six. I’m a fan of Irish whiskey, Scotch whiskey and bourbon, so the choice is easy. It all depends on my mood and my budget.

Here’s a tip: If you want to eat more and drink less, get liquor and follow it with a quick chaser. You’ll feel the alcohol quicker, making you hungry faster.

Snack food and appetizers: In order to drink your alcoholic beverages, before you eat your main course or while dinner is cooking, you need to start with snack foods, which can include a variety of nuts, chips and dip, pretzels, pork rinds, cheese, crackers, meat sticks, and a sampling of deli meat (pepperoni, bologna, salami, etc.).

The key to the binge is to match these different groups of food with each other in a way that only you can appreciate. It doesn’t have to make sense to other people; they’re not eating your dinner. As long as it tastes good to you, and you get full — very full — then you’ll have a satisfying meal. When you start to get full, take a breather. Wait 15 to 20 minutes, and start eating some more. Once you’re done with the savory part of the meal, wait at least 30 minutes before tackling dessert. And when you get to dessert (remember, you haven’t made room for dessert), just concentrate on the sweetness. That should get you through the fullness.

After this meal, you won’t feel like doing much. If you haven’t regurgitated anything, consider your supper a success. Actually, pat yourself on the back (if you can), for you have worked hard all day long, skipping breakfast and lunch, in order to create a tasty and satisfying nighttime meal.

And, if you have any leftovers, you can always get up in the middle of the night to finish them. Just don’t save anything for breakfast. You have to do it all over again the next day.