And the answer is, well, yes, it is quite difficult–at first. It’s like riding a bicycle. Diligent practice pays off. Once mastered, the skill becomes second nature.

Let’s write a column together, shall we? I’ll take you through the steps. First, a little background information to help you better understand the process.

Writing a column for the paper is similar to writing a literature log–or lit log–for a high-school English class. Mrs. McCabe Keene Central School’s celebrated English, drama and forensics teacher, who retired at the end of the 2009/2010 school year, is famous for many outstanding achievements, among them instituting the lit log.

The lit log is one of an endless series of assigned book reports, similar to a weekly column in that it is always late or on the brink of being late.

High drama surrounded the lit log. The process of “getting it in,” either on time or somewhat thereafter, resembled, in many instances, a high-speed auto chase. When my daughter, Molly, was in high school, the resemblance was quite literal, as I was sometimes called upon to drive whatever ramshackle vehicle I happened to own at the time up a mountain as fast as it could be made to go (one car tended to just give up and roll backwards at a certain point), Molly sitting next to me, urging me on, in order to deliver the homework to Mrs. McCabe’s house on time.

This perpetually recurring assignment, as unavoidable as death or taxes, built character and instilled self-discipline, helpful in handling life’s exigencies, although in later years students were able to simply e-mail their assignments. The very fact that I am able to use a hard word like “exigency” in a sentence (look it up yourself, you’ll remember it better) illustrates how self-discipline is inculcated by good English teachers.

Inculcate! There’s another hard word. All right, we’ll look this one up together. According to my Oxford English Dictionary, it comes from the Latin verb “inculcare,” meaning “to stamp in with the heel, read in, cram in, press in, impress upon (the mind)…” That is what my education was like. Plus, I had to walk a mile to school, and winters were colder back then.

Enough background information! Let’s get started. First, we need to come up with a subject for our column. What about education?

No, people will assume we’re running for public office. Which reminds me–I am so irritated every time a politician voices an opinion that I oppose stating sanctimoniously “The American people agree…”

What? Am I not an American?

I keep dredging up my Mayflower roots in this column every Thanksgiving, after elections, to say, yes, I’m American, my family has been American for a good long time, thank you, don’t presume to tell me what Americans believe! And some of Molly’s ancestors were here to meet the boat.

I am so HUNGRY! Just a sec, I’m going to run down to the kitchen.

Here I am, back again.

I hear a car horn honking outside. Wow, nice footwork, Patches! But maybe you should work on that habit of lying in the middle of the road. My friend’s dog almost got run over by a green Chevy (not the real color or make) speeding up Adirondack Street. I am pretty sure it’s the same truck that was parked in Lorelei’s driveway (not her real name) the other morning.

Just a minute, let me e-mail my friend Georgine.

There. Where were we?

How long have we been working on this column? It’s getting dark already, and the cold is coming in under the windows. It is so cold! Makes me feel like curling up in bed and hibernating.

Where were we?

I think someone’s at the back door. Can’t see who. Wait a minute.

That was Georgine, wants me to meet her at the Great Range. I told her we were almost done here. Right?

My heavens. Look at the computer screen. An error of type two has occurred. Call me a perfectionist, but I hate errors of type two. Oh well, this is as good a stopping place as any. Tomorrow’s another day! I can always get up early and write my column. I’m actually more of a morning person anyway.

Practice what I taught you, and have a good week.