“Daddy gets mad at the littlest things now, and it’s really scary,” says Samantha. “I’m afraid sometimes he’s going to hit me like he hit mommy during a nightmare.”

    “He did?” Alex asked.

    “Yeah, but you can’t tell anyone that, Alex.”

    “I won’t,” says Alex.

    Unbeknownst to them, their conversation is overheard by B.D., who is sitting on his porch with his friend and Alex’s dad. Mike Doonesbury. Soon after, B.D. goes to seek help.

    A week ago I attended a workshop at the Crowne Plaza that was being offered by the New York State National Guard to strengthen the relationship between soldiers and their spouses called Strong Bonds. As is increasingly true, in some cases the soldier was the man, in others it was the woman, and for still others both were in the service. The workshop did not focus on the challenges of separation, how to prepare for the separation, or the return, but instead, how to make the bond between husband and wife as strong as possible through communicating and loving well.

    “It is hard to maintain a bond when you are continually being deployed, when you are continually being pulled apart,” said the Rev. Col. Eric Olsen, who directs pastoral care for the N.Y. National Guard. “It takes a lot of courage, it takes a lot of love to stay in a relationship. I met a woman who followed me around the world, who sent me off and welcomed me home, cracked me open and helped me back.”

    “First, I want you to introduce us to your partner. Don’t give us your name, just his or heres and tell us what attracted you to him or her. What was it you saw, what got your attention?

    Rev. Olsen set the pattern by introducing his wife Susan, and she him, and the introductions continued through the two dozen or more couples that were there. After the introductions, standing in front of a large bulletin board, he asked, “What do you want in a relationship? What are the things that are important? Call them out and I will write them down.”

    “Respect,” said one. “Friendship,” said another. “Emotional support.” Words that came slowly at first came quicker and quicker, filling the board until it seemed there would be no empty space remaining.

    “How many of these words do you actively practice with your loved one?” asked Col. Olsen after he stepped back and looked at all those listed.             “Our loyalties are divided. What do I give to the person who gives all to me? What does it mean to show kindness, have compassion for my mate? I know what’s in my heart, but I often don’t know how to express it. That’s what we are going to work on this weekend. We are going to learn how to better communicate what’s in our heart. We are going to practice these words.”

    Later I asked Susan about her experience as a wife of a soldier, what it meant to have her husband deployed, and what they did to strengthen their bonds.

    “Being separated was a pretty unpleasant experience all in all,” said Susan. “All the things you worry about rush in. I don’t need to go into the details, but you can just imagine what my concerns were like when Eric was deployed. I’ll tell you what; it drove me to art. Rather than drink, worry about what was happening or stew about things, my coping mechanism was to create. I feel that developing some sort of a positive outlet is critical for the spouse left at home. You need something that distracts you from your worry; developing that distraction is a healthy thing.

    “I think the healing part of the arts is just critical for those who can access it, those who are willing to try. Many people think, I can’t paint, or draw, or write a poem, but if they try they find they can and it provides them with relief. Some may wish to join a club or get involved in a cause. It’s important to develop a positive outlet.

    “I encourage people to write or send emails. Eric was often in places that didn’t get emails so I wrote letters. I am comfortable writing letters, but not everybody is. If you have small children, get them to make pictures and send them. Sending the day-to-day stories is important, the little normal things.”

    The good news is that the National Guard understands just how important strong relationships are to the soldier, and even more so when transitioning back to civilian life, and has made strengthening those bonds a priority.